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Text File
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1993-07-08
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7KB
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155 lines
TEN THINGS...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are some rather humerous extracts from various issues of ST FORMAT
(full acknowledgement is given to ST FORMAT for these - so PLEASE don't
sue me!)
TEN THINGS TO SAY TO AN AMIGA OWNER: (Dave Hackett)
1) MIDI sockets!
2) Did you say only 7MHz?
3) Calamus!
4) Amiga? That's a bt like Nintendo, innit?
5) Sorry, how many viruses did you say you had?
6) So, what's your favourite programming language?
7) Nothing quite like a hand-cranked operating system, is there?
8) What's that hot box for? A foot-warmer?
9) Compatability, hah! Now you know what it's like! (This one works
equally well if you just say "500-Plus!)
10) Ooooo, I don't think you wanted to buy that now, did you?
TEN THINGS TO DO IN A SCIENCE LAB: (James O'Brien)
1) Wire those sad guppies from the school fish tank into the national
grid.
2) Project a hologram of the angel of death into Sadam Hussein's living
room, video what happens and send it to You've Been Framed.
3) Service a Lada Riva and recharge the battery by connecting it to the
hamster's wheel.
4) Bring a Welsh cod fillet back to life.
5) Train a dog to eat at the sound of a bell - should get rid of the
Jehova's witnesses.
6) Plug your ST into the computer controlling the lab laser and play
Operation Thunderbolt with those friendly men from the SAS.
7) Put the local (dis)honest car salesman on a lie detector and ask him
if he has ever clocked a mileometer.
8) Make a techno video.
9) Recycle a car bumper into, well, another car bumper.
10) Stop the rotation of the Earth, go outside, proclaim yourself
master of the entire universe, go back inside and start it again.
This requires only a small Meccano set and semi-divine powers.
TEN THINGS TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE CRAP: (?)
1) There's something wrong with this joystick.
2) This game just isn't pitched corrctly, difficultywise.
3) You've played this before, haven't you?
4) (Yawn) God, it's so late. I'm too tired for this.
5) Ah! I had the auto-fire switched on!
6) I shot that! Did you see the explosion?
7) Check the port will you? It's definately faulty.
8) I was miles away! Dodgy collision detection!
9) The light from the window's shining on the screen!
10) Look. I'm telling you, this joystick is awful.
ELEVEN THINGS TO SAY TO PEOPLE PLAYING SENSIBLE SOCCER: (?)
1) You should have bent that shot a bit more.
2) No, you're playing down the field.
3) That would have been a brillient goal...if it had gone in.
4) You should have shot then.
5) Brilliant bit of passing, is he one of yours?
6) What a cynical foul!
7) Oh, it's really difficult to tell the colours apart.
8) It's a bit like Kick Off 2, isn't it?
9) 'Ere, give us a go!
10) You know Gazza? That's your mum, that is.
11) Have you always been crap at football?
TEN THINGS THAT MAKE MY EYES GO ALL RED AND GLOWY AND MY VOICE SHIFT
DOWN THREE OCTAVES WHILE CAUSING RANDOM OBJECTS WITHIN A 20-FOOT RADIUS
OF ME TO EXPLODE OR CATCH FIRE, AND GIVING ME A STRONG DESIRE TO BREAK
THINGS: (Julian van Eyken)
1) Milk bottles that dribble and end up pouring from the wrong end,
going all over the table instead of the bowl.
2) Lemmings (the game, I mean).
3) Neil Kinnock.
4) Trying to get the lawnmower out of the shed.
5) Trying to get anything at all out of the shed.
6) Bruce Forsyth.
7) People who at regular intervals place their head on the power pack
region of their ST and go, "Blimey, it's warm! We've been using it
for too long again," amd refuse to use it for several days while it
cools down. Actually, could you nice guys at STF tell everyone that
this isn't necessary unless you habitually keep your ST under the
grill with several large pillows over the ventilation slots. They
might believe you.
8) Any form of alcohol.
9) People that reckon that RPG games are occult. Where did they get
that idea from? If Middle Earth Role Playing is occult, then I'm the
Lord of the Naggert. (Which I'm patently not. Don't look at me like
that.) Come to that, if Dungeons and Dragons is occult, so's the
Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Hansel and Gretel, Chitty Chitty
Bang Bang and Edd the Duck. If it puts anyone's mind to rest I'm
distinctly against occultism.
10) Girls. Every time you say something funny, they think you mean it,
and then you have to explain that it was a joke and repeat it again
slowly; after this, they just look at you oddly and walk off. At
least, that's what they do to me. Perhaps I'm missing something.
Boys never do it though. Hmmmmmm.
11) Friends whoget prizes for their letters in STF.
12) Top Ten lists. There's never quite enough places to put everything
you want in. Still, I don't let small problems like that stand in
my way.
13) Amiga owners.
TEN OVERUSED WORDS AND PHRASES IN STF:
1) Er...
2) Somewhat
3) <Insert objects here>, eh? Dontcha just love 'em?
4) See page 64 if you missed it
5) Lovely
6) Crap
7) (Everything Monty Python ever wrote. And quite a bit of Fry and
Laurie)
8) Well...
9) ...but in the end it's just another platform game.
10) ST
TEN THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR DISCOVERY XTRA BOX ONCE YOU'VE UNPACKED YOUR
NEW STE:
1) Keep it in the cupboard under the stairs for three years "in case
you ever needed it," then throw it away the week before you want to
pack up your ST to move house.
2) Cut out the picture of the horrible child from the front who's
pretending to know how to use an ST, wave it in front of next door's
dog and see how long it lasts.
3) Line it with polythene, fill it with water and use it as an "opaque-
look" fish tank.
4) Cut two eyeholes in it and sell it as an extremely unusual fancy
dress costume.
5) Write a strong letter to the local newspaper about it, complaining
bitterly about comprehensive education and suchlike, all because
Atari missed out the E of Xtra.
6) Tear it up into very small pieces and use them to see how many
interesting anagrams of "Atari" there are.
7) Throw it away.
8) Use it as a punchbag to ease your frustrations when that !*#!!? cat
in Nine Lives cops it again.
9) Use it to start the world's first (and last) collection of ST Xtra
Curriculum Family Discovery Fun Learning boxes.
10) Put it away and foget about it, and get on with using your ST.
Article: BLACK EAGLE 7/7/93 (well, I just typed it all up!)